Saturday, December 12, 2009

Because Big Lots Never Fails to Deliver

a recent trip to Big Lots provided the usual yuks. and since the holidays are upon us, i am going to start with something i ran across in the Xmas Decor Dept. 

what's your Nativity Scene missing? why, Santa's Outhouse, of course!! and to make it even better (didn't think that was possible, did you? that will teach you to assume!) it's ANIMATRONIC!!!! you press the button and Santa's Outhouse shakes and makes, how shall we say, "gastrointestinal" noises. then Santa's voice booms out, "That was a good one!" you know i wish i was making this up. i really do. 

it's a damn shame i am not in contact with my paternal hillbilly relatives. because that would make xmas shopping for them really fucking easy.

then it's off to the kid's toy aisle! and what do we spy there?

just look at it until you see what i see.

you see it now, don't you?

bathin' fun, indeed.

as much as i mock Big Lots, i do like to shop there and i actually do buy food there because i find some interesting things and some well known things that are just there and marked down. but then there are other things that i ain't touching. never, ever and you can't make me.

the "delicious" herring filet, for example. because that's not gross enough, they drench it in paprika sauce. what the hell is paprika sauce or do we just not to want even know? i vote for ignorance is bliss in this case.

speaking of ignorance... i have been to many states and even the whitest Bible Belt states have some form of Mexican food. it's not always good, that's for sure, but it exists. what i am getting at is that even in Iowa they know what an exotic foreign word like "salsa" means. thanks for dumbing it down, San Marcos.

and speaking of Mexican food (like how these are all flowing together? it feels so cohesive, doesn't it?)... ok, vermicelli is Italian. it is not an "authentic" Mexican soup. the word you are looking for here is fideo. but sometimes it is easy to know how these things find their way to my local Big Lots. jesus christ, what's next? California olives with a drawing of a Mexican man on the package?

speaking of California olives with a drawing of a Mexican man on the package... yes, in California most of your agricultural workers are Mexican. but i am fairly certain that they are not picking fruits and vegetables in a poncho and a damned sombrero. everyone knows they make the burro wear the sombrero. get it right, people!! would a little fact checking kill you?

speaking of killing you... the koala in the racing suit just flat out kills me dead. what does racing or koalas, for that matter, have to with Little Debbie Snack Cakes? i have had Little Debbies and they are nasty and greasy and flavorless. totally unlike the koala. maybe the racing suit tastes nasty and greasy and flavorless. that must be it.

i don't know jack crap about any sports, so i am guessing the dude in the display is an Australian race car driver. but still not understanding the koala. unless the koala helps him drive and i just never heard about it. if they have koalas driving race cars, i am going to have to rethink my stance on NASCAR. because that would be fucking AWESOME!!!

this particular trip to the BL was especially fun because an employee saw me taking these pics and was visibly upset by what i was doing. but she didn't confront me. really, you work in a place that sells Santa's Outhouse and expect me NOT to take pics? that's like asking Jon Gosselin to stop wearing Ed Hardy. just ain't gonna happen, baby.