Saturday, December 12, 2009

Because Big Lots Never Fails to Deliver

a recent trip to Big Lots provided the usual yuks. and since the holidays are upon us, i am going to start with something i ran across in the Xmas Decor Dept. 

what's your Nativity Scene missing? why, Santa's Outhouse, of course!! and to make it even better (didn't think that was possible, did you? that will teach you to assume!) it's ANIMATRONIC!!!! you press the button and Santa's Outhouse shakes and makes, how shall we say, "gastrointestinal" noises. then Santa's voice booms out, "That was a good one!" you know i wish i was making this up. i really do. 

it's a damn shame i am not in contact with my paternal hillbilly relatives. because that would make xmas shopping for them really fucking easy.

then it's off to the kid's toy aisle! and what do we spy there?

just look at it until you see what i see.

you see it now, don't you?

bathin' fun, indeed.

as much as i mock Big Lots, i do like to shop there and i actually do buy food there because i find some interesting things and some well known things that are just there and marked down. but then there are other things that i ain't touching. never, ever and you can't make me.

the "delicious" herring filet, for example. because that's not gross enough, they drench it in paprika sauce. what the hell is paprika sauce or do we just not to want even know? i vote for ignorance is bliss in this case.

speaking of ignorance... i have been to many states and even the whitest Bible Belt states have some form of Mexican food. it's not always good, that's for sure, but it exists. what i am getting at is that even in Iowa they know what an exotic foreign word like "salsa" means. thanks for dumbing it down, San Marcos.

and speaking of Mexican food (like how these are all flowing together? it feels so cohesive, doesn't it?)... ok, vermicelli is Italian. it is not an "authentic" Mexican soup. the word you are looking for here is fideo. but sometimes it is easy to know how these things find their way to my local Big Lots. jesus christ, what's next? California olives with a drawing of a Mexican man on the package?

speaking of California olives with a drawing of a Mexican man on the package... yes, in California most of your agricultural workers are Mexican. but i am fairly certain that they are not picking fruits and vegetables in a poncho and a damned sombrero. everyone knows they make the burro wear the sombrero. get it right, people!! would a little fact checking kill you?

speaking of killing you... the koala in the racing suit just flat out kills me dead. what does racing or koalas, for that matter, have to with Little Debbie Snack Cakes? i have had Little Debbies and they are nasty and greasy and flavorless. totally unlike the koala. maybe the racing suit tastes nasty and greasy and flavorless. that must be it.

i don't know jack crap about any sports, so i am guessing the dude in the display is an Australian race car driver. but still not understanding the koala. unless the koala helps him drive and i just never heard about it. if they have koalas driving race cars, i am going to have to rethink my stance on NASCAR. because that would be fucking AWESOME!!!

this particular trip to the BL was especially fun because an employee saw me taking these pics and was visibly upset by what i was doing. but she didn't confront me. really, you work in a place that sells Santa's Outhouse and expect me NOT to take pics? that's like asking Jon Gosselin to stop wearing Ed Hardy. just ain't gonna happen, baby.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Random Crap That Makes My Head Spin

this post is just a series of random pics i have taken while going about my daily life. again, no super secret underground network of people sending me wacky pics. (i really hate the word "wacky." it reminds me of Soupy Sales for some reason. and he's not funny. but i think these pics are. gotta find a new word.)

you are totally ticking off the days of the week on your fingers now, aren't you? i did the first 3 times i saw this sign. don't be ashamed. they are they ones that should be ashamed.

gawd, that's a hell of a lot to live up to, isn't it? she would have to be Angelina Jolie's doppelganger to pull that one off. and the pressure? she can never leave the house in sweats and ponytail and a grubby, stained "Cancun Spring Break 1998" t-shirt, can she?

my mom took this pic with her snazzy new iPhone 3GS. which she is totally addicted to. but that's a story for another day. i made the mistake of adding the Scramble game app on hers and now she and i are locked in a High Score Death Match. she's winning. i will beat her soon. if it's the last thing i do! but i digress.
when she showed me this pic, i asked, "was this at the grocery store?"

"no, the 99 cent store."

oh my god, that's even worse!! octopus in a box? at the 99 cent store? and it's not refrigerated? it's a scary world we live in, people. a scary, scary world.

i don't know how well you can read the print on there, but that soda is called MF Grape soda. i have no idea why it's called that. but when i see MF, the first thing i think is "Mother Fucker." (like you are shocked by that. puh-leeze.)

now, had this soda been sugar free, i would have bought every damn bottle and then gone to every store in The Valley that carried it and bought all they had. but sugar makes my teeth itch, so i didn't.

but IF I HAD, every time i drank one i would have said aloud, "where's my mother fucking grape soda? i want a mother fucking grape soda. damn, this mother fucking grape soda is tasty!!"

and i would have laughed every.single.time. i amuse easily, you know.

i don't have kids, but if i did, i would totally buy this for them. 

the little crotch goblins today have it way too easy. a little manual labor would be good for them. they have their internetz and their iPods and their cell phones. they don't know the pain that WE suffered in the 70's. they don't know what it's like to go to a library and have to lug home 4 books on the life cycle of the dolphin for a science report. no, nowadays they just Wiki that shit and call it a day.

they don't know what's it's like to be your mom's Human Remote Control. i swear i spent 83% of my childhood standing next to the tv, changing the channels for her while my mom barked out instructions from the sofa.

"go to channel 2."

click, click.

"no, i don't like that show. try channel 5."

click, click, click.

"no, i have seen that movie already. try channel 9."

click, click, click, click.

"no, that show is stupid. go to 4."

click, click, click, click, click.

"oh! Dinah Shore! yeah, that's good."

yeah, they need to KNOW what our life was like! and clean our houses in the process. it's a win/win.

if that cat is a champion, why is she trying to strangle it? oooo, maybe it's like the whole Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding thing! or the Texas Cheerleader Mom where she is trying to take out the competition. who knew cat shows were so cutthroat? the intrigue! meow! (pun intended)

human trafficking is alive and well in The Valley. and at discount prices! the economy has hit everyone hard.

a new, independently owned copy and print shop opened nearby. i took this pic standing directly in front of it. something tells me someone didn't do their "market saturation" research.

and i would like to end this post with a pic i call "There's Nothing Funny Going On Here, Dammit!"

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I Just Saw The BEST Robbery, EVER!

this afternoon, i was out and about running errands. while i was driving i saw 2 young men run across the street against the light. they were each carrying a case of beer. i just figured they were running to catch a bus. until i saw the 7/11 employee running after them, screaming. 

it was pretty obvious they had tried to steal the beer. tried being an important part of this story.

now, this 7/11 is located less than one mile from a police station. i see cops cars there all the time. just like the two i saw there this afternoon.

yup, these fools ran out of the 7/11 directly towards the waiting arms of the cops.

they better change their stories when they get to jail.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Grocery List: Diet Coke, Voodoo, and Dog Food

let me preface this by saying that i don't go out in search of weird stuff. it's not like i have a 1-800-TIP-STER line where people can call and alert me to stoner stores that also do tattoos. i have an eye for the absurd and  just stumble across this crap. but i have learned to always carry a camera so i can capture the weirdness. otherwise y'all might not believe me when i tell you about the stuff i see.

like the Voodoo section at my local Albertson's.

yes, Albertson's. it was not some crazy, dusty  little ethnic store that sells Pampers and eye of newt on the same shelf. it was Albertson's.

mom and i were there recently getting the basics. which for me is Diet Coke, Lean Cuisines, and vodka. 

going thru the aisles, we turned a corner and found shelves of voodoo products. in Albertson's.

take the candles. now, i am more than familiar with typical prayer candles that have pictures of the Guadalupe or St Anthony on them. the idea is to send up prayers to whoever is on the candle. but these were totally new to me.

starting from the left we have Jesus. not unheard of. until you look below Jesus and see "Just Judge." i prefer to read that much like the Nike logo, as a direct order. Just Judge. hey, i can do that. and i am good at it, too!

then we have the Holy Death candle. eeekkk! who in my neighborhood is praying to Holy Death and how can i make sure i don't flip them off in traffic?

next to Holy Death we can see that some people apparently pray to Aloe Vera. i guess they suffer a lot of kitchen burns or sunburns. i will stick with a good SPF myself.

then we have the Zodiac Oil and the All Purpose Voodoo spray. the Zodiac Oil claims to be "Genuine" Zodiac Oil. not that generic crap you get at other grocery stores. nope, only the finest Zodiac Oil in these parts, my friends!!
the little pics on the bottle of All Purpose Voodoo Spray show that you can spray for things like peace, money and protection. my favorite one is the pic in the upper left hand corner.  it is for Dominating. and the pic is a woman giving some poor dude the death ray eyes. i guess it's like Voodoo Mace.

then my favorite. the Voodoo Perfumes. judging by the pics of the two to the left, it would seem that you wear this perfume and attract Fast Luck or Protection from Envy. makes sense, right? until you look closely at the Fast Luck perfume. the package has pics of cards, gifts and wedding rings. but look at the black and white pic in the background. a couple making out. so i guess you can also use this perfume to Get Lucky Fast. nice to know they have covered all the bases in one easy to use, magical, slutty product.

then we have the 2 on the right. Hummingbirds and Macaws. while i think hummingbirds following me everywhere a la Snow White would be annoying at best, i can say with 100% certainty that i don't want to wear a perfume that is going to cause macaws to swarm me! that's like Tippi Hedren's Tropical Nightmare! 

that day i scored some good deals on dog food and Budget Gourmet Dinners, but isn't everything just anti-climatic after a Holy Death candle?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Cougars on Parade!

i spent this last weekend in Phoenix with my friends, Vanessa and Sherri. that's where Vanessa lives. i flew in from LA and Sherri flew in from Northern CA. the whole weekend was delightful and someday i will figure out a way to make it so that we can all live together on one big commune and see each other every day. but they will be in charge of childcare and cooking. that way no one dies.

before we arrived, Vanessa had told us about this really great "cougar bar" she had recently stumbled across. it sounded spectacular! old ho bags trying to hook up with young douchenozzles? where do i get in line to mock these people??!! sign me up!

Saturday night rolled around and off we went and it was better than i could have ever hoped for. and yes, there will be pics, i promise. 

the minute we walked in, we got a table and planted our happy asses there for the night. i look to my left and what is the first thing i see? THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! THAT'S WHAT!!

look past Vanessa's arm and Sherri. yes, that is a cougar with a WALKER!!!

now, if you will notice, my gorgeous friends are always to the extreme right of these pics. that is because they love me and fully support my Ninja Photo Taking For the Blog. see, i pretend to take a pic of them, then move the camera 2 inches to the left and capture the image i am really after. that way, it looks totally innocent and i don't get beat up. always a plus.

and i am sorry the pics are not better quality. i am a total dumbass when it comes to figuring out how to work the damn flash.

at the table next to us was a very new couple. he was in his 20's and she was, well...older. let's just say she remembers watching Leave It To Beaver when it WASN'T in syndication. of course, we have a pic.

again, look past half of Vanessa. unfortunately, you can't see the cougar's face, but that's probably for the best. it wasn't pretty. but you can see her back fat! woot woot!

they started the night stroking each other's arms and looking meaningfully into each other's eyes. by the time we left she was MAULING him. when they started french kissing, Sherri exclaimed, "Oh my god, I just saw his tongue. I think I died a little inside."

we took to calling him Indiana Jones because he was convinced he had just discovered The Ancient Lost Treasure. Sherri was thisclose to going over and asking him, "Isn't it weird kissing your mom like that?" thankfully, she wasn't nearly drunk enough to do that.

the longer we sat there, the more we began to realize we were seeing the same things over and over. these people were total cliches of themselves. the old cougars and the young cougar bait boys all looked exactly alike. 

that's when we came up with Cougar Bingo and Cougar Bait Bingo. i have the game cards here for your own personal use should you ever find yourself at a cougar bar. the first person to get Bingo wins a free drink.

now, not all the cougs were lucky enough to hook up with young douchebags. some of them had to settle for age appropriate douchebags. we included both age groups in that bingo.

mark 'em as you spot 'em, people.

the head of security was walking the floor and he could tell we weren't skanks there to hook up. we were just having fun amongst ourselves. so he stopped to talk and he was a riot. then he spotted the pens and paper on the table we were using to invent Cougar Bingo.

he asked what we were writing so we showed him. and that's when he fell in love with us. for the rest of the night, he kept coming back to the table and asking to see the list so he could point out people who matched what we had written. "Over to the left? Camel toe."

he loved us so much he gave us VIP passes to the bar. we now get free drinks and don't have to wait in line there. Sa-Weet!

we knew it was time to leave when the music turned to techno and lights started flashing like they were trying to induce epileptic seizures in us. now, this wasn't your ordinary techno music. no, this was Cougar Friendly Techno Music. see, it was the techno beat overlaid with Bon Jovi and Journey songs. so the cougars could feel young and hip for knowing all the words, dontcha know. (i wish i was making this up. i really do.)

so we left.

now, while i do so obviously love to mock others, i have no problem mocking myself when the time is right. this is one of those times.

a little backstory to set the scene:
i have been sick for the better part of a month. i caught a nasty flu over Memorial Day weekend. the first 2 weeks were pure misery. these last 2 weeks have been more tolerable, but i still have a cough, a runny nose and watery eyes. because of all the coughing combined with my stomach not feeling really great, i have occasionally coughed so hard that i have thrown up. it happens. no biggie. it's actually more like a stomach spasm than anything.

so, we left the cougar bar and were outside walking back to the car. we were laughing so hard that my stomach rebelled. 

i felt it coming. 

walking along the sidewalk, i said to my friends, "I think I am going to puke." and then i tossed my hair back like Cher getting ready to sing "If I Could Turn Back Time" and let it rip. it lasted 2 seconds and then i was good to go. i barely even broke stride.

about 20 feet away was a gaggle of 15 year old girls outside a frozen yogurt store. while i was puking i knew they had spotted me because i could hear them "OH.MY.GAWD.!" in unison. 

as i walked passed them and their still horrified faces i said, "Don't drink." and kept walking. anything i can do to be a good influence on the young people, i always say.

now, let me clarify. this was NOT a drunk puke. the day i puke after 2 martinis is the day i voluntarily hand over my BevMo Club card. it was just a stomach spasm.

and as i had just drank a Cantaloupe flavored martini, that stomach spasm was technicolor orange. awe.some.

i can't wait to go back to Phoenix and i am sure they can't wait to have me back, either.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Damn, I Might be the Stupidest PersonI Know

so, i have been fighting this flu for the better part of a week. i was out of work for 2 days last week, and i still apparently look like crap on cracker. i know this because today no less than four people at work told me, "why don't you just go home?" a sure sign  that i am nowhere near back to normal. and probably look like Linda Blair in the middle half of The Exorcist. minus the cool spider walk, because i can't do that on my best day.

the days that i have gone to work, i can barely keep my eyes open and i am thisclose to falling asleep at my desk.

i thought this was just a side effect of the flu. turns out, not so much.

see, when i first got sick, i went rooting in the medicine cabinet for cold/flu pills. the only ones i found had expired over a year ago. so, mom and i went thru all the cold pills, immodium, pepto and thera flu and realized that all our stash was way expired. so, i made a list and went to the store and restocked everything, including cold pills. and i bought the generic brands. with very little info on the packaging. which i have been  taking everyday since then.

i just looked at the new cold pills and realized that i have been taking the "nighttime" dosage all week. during work hours.


Friday, May 29, 2009

The Valley is Totally Going to Pot

i generally love living in the San Fernando Valley. it has everything you need, and all within a 7 mile radius of any given point. we have Target, Trader Joe's, a Nordstrom outlet, BevMo, and Borders. and that's pretty much where all my money goes. 

yes, there are lots of chain stores and restaurants, but we also have lots of thriving small businesses. like my local yarn store, some great hole in the wall mexican restaurants and loads of mom and pop businesses. some i patronize more than others. let's talk about the others, shall we?

ever since medicinal marijuana was legalized in CA, these medicinal marijuana storefronts have been popping up like weeds (pun intended).  we have not one, not two, but THREE of these places within 5 miles of my house. are all my neighbors stoners? if so, one would think they would be a lot quieter. but that does explain the fact that they all park like jackasses. stoned jackasses.

one of these storefronts is located in a strip mall that includes a Pizza Hut, a great, cheap mexican restaurant and a donut shop. i bet the owners of those food places get together and just laugh their asses off every Friday when they tally up the week's receipts. then they get in their Jaguars and drive to their new McMansions. then they roll around in piles of dollar bills and diamonds.

this is one of those medicinal marijuana places. the "Hope Collective." 

ok, they only thing these losers are "hoping" for is that some shady ass doctor will buy their bullshit "chronic back pain" story and write them a scrip for weed.  how did they hurt their backs? they probably slipped on the stairs on their way to their "basement apartment." and that basement is in their mom's house, most likely.

speaking of the local stoners, this is a really bad pic (sorry!) of Captain Ed's Smoke Shop. which we all know is code for "stoner store." there are always "out of work skateboarders" hanging around there. i call them the Braintrust. 

well, in the spirit of multi-tasking, Captain Ed's now offers tattoos! woot woot! i will bet you a gakrillion dollars right now that not one person has walked out of that tattoo studio with the tattoo they wanted. i imagine general misspellings and misunderstandings are the norm. "Dude! why does it say 'Emilio is my Bitch' on my stomach? my girlfriend's name is EMILY! and this was supposed to be her birthday present, too! aw, she is gonna be pissed!"

buyer beware is all i can say.

let's leave the stoners behind and move on to tranny hookers and crackheads. well, when i see a Super 8 Motel that's what i think of. don't you? now, this particular Super 8 Motel is trying to class up their joint. most nice hotels have a nice restaurant attached. the Super 8 tried to follow this business model, they really did. but i think we can all agree that this is an epic fail.

see, it's a sushi restaurant. attached to a Super 8 Motel. and it's name is "2 Die for Sushi." there are plenty of things at that motel that can kill you, and now we can add sushi to the list.

but wait, it gets better. 

it's not just "2 Die for" sushi. it's 40% off "2 Die for" sushi.

i have always held firm to my belief that there are some things in this world that you must pay full price for, bargain shopping be damned. condoms and sushi are really high on that list. i will not be going there for Sunday brunch, thankyouverymuch.

now, on to less seedy landmarks. this place makes me laugh. 

i just imagine a room full of really dedicated ping pong players with their own personalized paddles. now, before you think i am making this up, i actually speak from experience here. when i was in college, i needed one more PE credit, so my friend Tracy and i decided to go for the "easy A" and take table tennis. we thought we were so smart! it's ping pong, fer chrissake! how hard can it be?

famous last words.

we showed up for the first day of class and every other kid there was a SERIOUS table tennis (DO.NOT.CALL.IT.PING.PONG.)  player. and they all had their own personalized paddles. and they kicked our asses every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 10am for one whole semester.

one day, we had just had enough and decided to cut class. this was college, where supposedly you could cut any class you wanted with no repercussions. not Table Tennis 101, missy! our teacher, Skip (i swear to god, that was his name.) cornered us at the next class and said if we did not make up the missed class, he would fail us for the whole semester. so, we had to come back to school and take a make up ping pong class at 7pm. if you ever want to feel like the biggest loser in the world, cancel your dinner plans because you have to take a make up ping pong class.

i bet Skip is running this Table Tennis Club now. and ruling it with an iron fist. you do not fuck around with Skip, people. (and it looks like he is earning extra cash by offering hair cuts, too. who knew he was so enterprising?)

now, a few years ago, i pointed out this school and questioned the wisdom of naming it after a 
well known pedophile. well, god bless the power of the internet! that or someone just wised the hell up. it has a new name now. and i am guessing a huge increase in enrollment.

now, i want to end this post with a pic of a place that i actually love.

these gigantic rusted tin dinosaurs are at the entrance to a local nursery. the plant kind of nursery, not the kid kind. although, how cool would that be? "J'Wayne! if you hit VulvaMae one more time, i am throwing you in the T-Rex's mouth. and he is hungry today!" (ok, two side notes. first, those are actual children's names i took from a Utah list of registered baby names. and secondly, i think we can all agree it's a really good thing i never worked in childcare.)

i know the dinos are tethered down to keep assholes like me from stealing them in the middle of the night. hey, if i thought i could strap one of those bad bays to the roof of my Rav4, i would have the coolest yard art in town!

but to me, those tethers look like dog collars and leashes. so every time i drive by them, i say out loud, "sit! stay! goooood boy!" and i giggle like a school girl every single time.

and on the plus side, i bet the dinos scare the crap out of all the local "legal" stoners. *snicker*