Monday, June 22, 2009

Grocery List: Diet Coke, Voodoo, and Dog Food

let me preface this by saying that i don't go out in search of weird stuff. it's not like i have a 1-800-TIP-STER line where people can call and alert me to stoner stores that also do tattoos. i have an eye for the absurd and  just stumble across this crap. but i have learned to always carry a camera so i can capture the weirdness. otherwise y'all might not believe me when i tell you about the stuff i see.

like the Voodoo section at my local Albertson's.

yes, Albertson's. it was not some crazy, dusty  little ethnic store that sells Pampers and eye of newt on the same shelf. it was Albertson's.

mom and i were there recently getting the basics. which for me is Diet Coke, Lean Cuisines, and vodka. 

going thru the aisles, we turned a corner and found shelves of voodoo products. in Albertson's.

take the candles. now, i am more than familiar with typical prayer candles that have pictures of the Guadalupe or St Anthony on them. the idea is to send up prayers to whoever is on the candle. but these were totally new to me.

starting from the left we have Jesus. not unheard of. until you look below Jesus and see "Just Judge." i prefer to read that much like the Nike logo, as a direct order. Just Judge. hey, i can do that. and i am good at it, too!

then we have the Holy Death candle. eeekkk! who in my neighborhood is praying to Holy Death and how can i make sure i don't flip them off in traffic?

next to Holy Death we can see that some people apparently pray to Aloe Vera. i guess they suffer a lot of kitchen burns or sunburns. i will stick with a good SPF myself.

then we have the Zodiac Oil and the All Purpose Voodoo spray. the Zodiac Oil claims to be "Genuine" Zodiac Oil. not that generic crap you get at other grocery stores. nope, only the finest Zodiac Oil in these parts, my friends!!
the little pics on the bottle of All Purpose Voodoo Spray show that you can spray for things like peace, money and protection. my favorite one is the pic in the upper left hand corner.  it is for Dominating. and the pic is a woman giving some poor dude the death ray eyes. i guess it's like Voodoo Mace.

then my favorite. the Voodoo Perfumes. judging by the pics of the two to the left, it would seem that you wear this perfume and attract Fast Luck or Protection from Envy. makes sense, right? until you look closely at the Fast Luck perfume. the package has pics of cards, gifts and wedding rings. but look at the black and white pic in the background. a couple making out. so i guess you can also use this perfume to Get Lucky Fast. nice to know they have covered all the bases in one easy to use, magical, slutty product.

then we have the 2 on the right. Hummingbirds and Macaws. while i think hummingbirds following me everywhere a la Snow White would be annoying at best, i can say with 100% certainty that i don't want to wear a perfume that is going to cause macaws to swarm me! that's like Tippi Hedren's Tropical Nightmare! 

that day i scored some good deals on dog food and Budget Gourmet Dinners, but isn't everything just anti-climatic after a Holy Death candle?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Cougars on Parade!

i spent this last weekend in Phoenix with my friends, Vanessa and Sherri. that's where Vanessa lives. i flew in from LA and Sherri flew in from Northern CA. the whole weekend was delightful and someday i will figure out a way to make it so that we can all live together on one big commune and see each other every day. but they will be in charge of childcare and cooking. that way no one dies.

before we arrived, Vanessa had told us about this really great "cougar bar" she had recently stumbled across. it sounded spectacular! old ho bags trying to hook up with young douchenozzles? where do i get in line to mock these people??!! sign me up!

Saturday night rolled around and off we went and it was better than i could have ever hoped for. and yes, there will be pics, i promise. 

the minute we walked in, we got a table and planted our happy asses there for the night. i look to my left and what is the first thing i see? THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! THAT'S WHAT!!

look past Vanessa's arm and Sherri. yes, that is a cougar with a WALKER!!!

now, if you will notice, my gorgeous friends are always to the extreme right of these pics. that is because they love me and fully support my Ninja Photo Taking For the Blog. see, i pretend to take a pic of them, then move the camera 2 inches to the left and capture the image i am really after. that way, it looks totally innocent and i don't get beat up. always a plus.

and i am sorry the pics are not better quality. i am a total dumbass when it comes to figuring out how to work the damn flash.

at the table next to us was a very new couple. he was in his 20's and she was, well...older. let's just say she remembers watching Leave It To Beaver when it WASN'T in syndication. of course, we have a pic.

again, look past half of Vanessa. unfortunately, you can't see the cougar's face, but that's probably for the best. it wasn't pretty. but you can see her back fat! woot woot!

they started the night stroking each other's arms and looking meaningfully into each other's eyes. by the time we left she was MAULING him. when they started french kissing, Sherri exclaimed, "Oh my god, I just saw his tongue. I think I died a little inside."

we took to calling him Indiana Jones because he was convinced he had just discovered The Ancient Lost Treasure. Sherri was thisclose to going over and asking him, "Isn't it weird kissing your mom like that?" thankfully, she wasn't nearly drunk enough to do that.

the longer we sat there, the more we began to realize we were seeing the same things over and over. these people were total cliches of themselves. the old cougars and the young cougar bait boys all looked exactly alike. 

that's when we came up with Cougar Bingo and Cougar Bait Bingo. i have the game cards here for your own personal use should you ever find yourself at a cougar bar. the first person to get Bingo wins a free drink.

now, not all the cougs were lucky enough to hook up with young douchebags. some of them had to settle for age appropriate douchebags. we included both age groups in that bingo.

mark 'em as you spot 'em, people.

the head of security was walking the floor and he could tell we weren't skanks there to hook up. we were just having fun amongst ourselves. so he stopped to talk and he was a riot. then he spotted the pens and paper on the table we were using to invent Cougar Bingo.

he asked what we were writing so we showed him. and that's when he fell in love with us. for the rest of the night, he kept coming back to the table and asking to see the list so he could point out people who matched what we had written. "Over to the left? Camel toe."

he loved us so much he gave us VIP passes to the bar. we now get free drinks and don't have to wait in line there. Sa-Weet!

we knew it was time to leave when the music turned to techno and lights started flashing like they were trying to induce epileptic seizures in us. now, this wasn't your ordinary techno music. no, this was Cougar Friendly Techno Music. see, it was the techno beat overlaid with Bon Jovi and Journey songs. so the cougars could feel young and hip for knowing all the words, dontcha know. (i wish i was making this up. i really do.)

so we left.

now, while i do so obviously love to mock others, i have no problem mocking myself when the time is right. this is one of those times.

a little backstory to set the scene:
i have been sick for the better part of a month. i caught a nasty flu over Memorial Day weekend. the first 2 weeks were pure misery. these last 2 weeks have been more tolerable, but i still have a cough, a runny nose and watery eyes. because of all the coughing combined with my stomach not feeling really great, i have occasionally coughed so hard that i have thrown up. it happens. no biggie. it's actually more like a stomach spasm than anything.

so, we left the cougar bar and were outside walking back to the car. we were laughing so hard that my stomach rebelled. 

i felt it coming. 

walking along the sidewalk, i said to my friends, "I think I am going to puke." and then i tossed my hair back like Cher getting ready to sing "If I Could Turn Back Time" and let it rip. it lasted 2 seconds and then i was good to go. i barely even broke stride.

about 20 feet away was a gaggle of 15 year old girls outside a frozen yogurt store. while i was puking i knew they had spotted me because i could hear them "OH.MY.GAWD.!" in unison. 

as i walked passed them and their still horrified faces i said, "Don't drink." and kept walking. anything i can do to be a good influence on the young people, i always say.

now, let me clarify. this was NOT a drunk puke. the day i puke after 2 martinis is the day i voluntarily hand over my BevMo Club card. it was just a stomach spasm.

and as i had just drank a Cantaloupe flavored martini, that stomach spasm was technicolor orange. awe.some.

i can't wait to go back to Phoenix and i am sure they can't wait to have me back, either.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Damn, I Might be the Stupidest PersonI Know

so, i have been fighting this flu for the better part of a week. i was out of work for 2 days last week, and i still apparently look like crap on cracker. i know this because today no less than four people at work told me, "why don't you just go home?" a sure sign  that i am nowhere near back to normal. and probably look like Linda Blair in the middle half of The Exorcist. minus the cool spider walk, because i can't do that on my best day.

the days that i have gone to work, i can barely keep my eyes open and i am thisclose to falling asleep at my desk.

i thought this was just a side effect of the flu. turns out, not so much.

see, when i first got sick, i went rooting in the medicine cabinet for cold/flu pills. the only ones i found had expired over a year ago. so, mom and i went thru all the cold pills, immodium, pepto and thera flu and realized that all our stash was way expired. so, i made a list and went to the store and restocked everything, including cold pills. and i bought the generic brands. with very little info on the packaging. which i have been  taking everyday since then.

i just looked at the new cold pills and realized that i have been taking the "nighttime" dosage all week. during work hours.