Friday, May 29, 2009

The Valley is Totally Going to Pot

i generally love living in the San Fernando Valley. it has everything you need, and all within a 7 mile radius of any given point. we have Target, Trader Joe's, a Nordstrom outlet, BevMo, and Borders. and that's pretty much where all my money goes. 

yes, there are lots of chain stores and restaurants, but we also have lots of thriving small businesses. like my local yarn store, some great hole in the wall mexican restaurants and loads of mom and pop businesses. some i patronize more than others. let's talk about the others, shall we?

ever since medicinal marijuana was legalized in CA, these medicinal marijuana storefronts have been popping up like weeds (pun intended).  we have not one, not two, but THREE of these places within 5 miles of my house. are all my neighbors stoners? if so, one would think they would be a lot quieter. but that does explain the fact that they all park like jackasses. stoned jackasses.

one of these storefronts is located in a strip mall that includes a Pizza Hut, a great, cheap mexican restaurant and a donut shop. i bet the owners of those food places get together and just laugh their asses off every Friday when they tally up the week's receipts. then they get in their Jaguars and drive to their new McMansions. then they roll around in piles of dollar bills and diamonds.

this is one of those medicinal marijuana places. the "Hope Collective." 

ok, they only thing these losers are "hoping" for is that some shady ass doctor will buy their bullshit "chronic back pain" story and write them a scrip for weed.  how did they hurt their backs? they probably slipped on the stairs on their way to their "basement apartment." and that basement is in their mom's house, most likely.

speaking of the local stoners, this is a really bad pic (sorry!) of Captain Ed's Smoke Shop. which we all know is code for "stoner store." there are always "out of work skateboarders" hanging around there. i call them the Braintrust. 

well, in the spirit of multi-tasking, Captain Ed's now offers tattoos! woot woot! i will bet you a gakrillion dollars right now that not one person has walked out of that tattoo studio with the tattoo they wanted. i imagine general misspellings and misunderstandings are the norm. "Dude! why does it say 'Emilio is my Bitch' on my stomach? my girlfriend's name is EMILY! and this was supposed to be her birthday present, too! aw, she is gonna be pissed!"

buyer beware is all i can say.

let's leave the stoners behind and move on to tranny hookers and crackheads. well, when i see a Super 8 Motel that's what i think of. don't you? now, this particular Super 8 Motel is trying to class up their joint. most nice hotels have a nice restaurant attached. the Super 8 tried to follow this business model, they really did. but i think we can all agree that this is an epic fail.

see, it's a sushi restaurant. attached to a Super 8 Motel. and it's name is "2 Die for Sushi." there are plenty of things at that motel that can kill you, and now we can add sushi to the list.

but wait, it gets better. 

it's not just "2 Die for" sushi. it's 40% off "2 Die for" sushi.

i have always held firm to my belief that there are some things in this world that you must pay full price for, bargain shopping be damned. condoms and sushi are really high on that list. i will not be going there for Sunday brunch, thankyouverymuch.

now, on to less seedy landmarks. this place makes me laugh. 

i just imagine a room full of really dedicated ping pong players with their own personalized paddles. now, before you think i am making this up, i actually speak from experience here. when i was in college, i needed one more PE credit, so my friend Tracy and i decided to go for the "easy A" and take table tennis. we thought we were so smart! it's ping pong, fer chrissake! how hard can it be?

famous last words.

we showed up for the first day of class and every other kid there was a SERIOUS table tennis (DO.NOT.CALL.IT.PING.PONG.)  player. and they all had their own personalized paddles. and they kicked our asses every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 10am for one whole semester.

one day, we had just had enough and decided to cut class. this was college, where supposedly you could cut any class you wanted with no repercussions. not Table Tennis 101, missy! our teacher, Skip (i swear to god, that was his name.) cornered us at the next class and said if we did not make up the missed class, he would fail us for the whole semester. so, we had to come back to school and take a make up ping pong class at 7pm. if you ever want to feel like the biggest loser in the world, cancel your dinner plans because you have to take a make up ping pong class.

i bet Skip is running this Table Tennis Club now. and ruling it with an iron fist. you do not fuck around with Skip, people. (and it looks like he is earning extra cash by offering hair cuts, too. who knew he was so enterprising?)

now, a few years ago, i pointed out this school and questioned the wisdom of naming it after a 
well known pedophile. well, god bless the power of the internet! that or someone just wised the hell up. it has a new name now. and i am guessing a huge increase in enrollment.

now, i want to end this post with a pic of a place that i actually love.

these gigantic rusted tin dinosaurs are at the entrance to a local nursery. the plant kind of nursery, not the kid kind. although, how cool would that be? "J'Wayne! if you hit VulvaMae one more time, i am throwing you in the T-Rex's mouth. and he is hungry today!" (ok, two side notes. first, those are actual children's names i took from a Utah list of registered baby names. and secondly, i think we can all agree it's a really good thing i never worked in childcare.)

i know the dinos are tethered down to keep assholes like me from stealing them in the middle of the night. hey, if i thought i could strap one of those bad bays to the roof of my Rav4, i would have the coolest yard art in town!

but to me, those tethers look like dog collars and leashes. so every time i drive by them, i say out loud, "sit! stay! goooood boy!" and i giggle like a school girl every single time.

and on the plus side, i bet the dinos scare the crap out of all the local "legal" stoners. *snicker*


  1. There is NO place like Californica.

  2. Have I mentioned how happy it makes me that you're blogging again? You sound like a cross between Jen Lancaster and my friend Lu, whom I adore. Awesomeness!!