Monday, June 22, 2009

Grocery List: Diet Coke, Voodoo, and Dog Food

let me preface this by saying that i don't go out in search of weird stuff. it's not like i have a 1-800-TIP-STER line where people can call and alert me to stoner stores that also do tattoos. i have an eye for the absurd and  just stumble across this crap. but i have learned to always carry a camera so i can capture the weirdness. otherwise y'all might not believe me when i tell you about the stuff i see.

like the Voodoo section at my local Albertson's.

yes, Albertson's. it was not some crazy, dusty  little ethnic store that sells Pampers and eye of newt on the same shelf. it was Albertson's.

mom and i were there recently getting the basics. which for me is Diet Coke, Lean Cuisines, and vodka. 

going thru the aisles, we turned a corner and found shelves of voodoo products. in Albertson's.

take the candles. now, i am more than familiar with typical prayer candles that have pictures of the Guadalupe or St Anthony on them. the idea is to send up prayers to whoever is on the candle. but these were totally new to me.

starting from the left we have Jesus. not unheard of. until you look below Jesus and see "Just Judge." i prefer to read that much like the Nike logo, as a direct order. Just Judge. hey, i can do that. and i am good at it, too!

then we have the Holy Death candle. eeekkk! who in my neighborhood is praying to Holy Death and how can i make sure i don't flip them off in traffic?

next to Holy Death we can see that some people apparently pray to Aloe Vera. i guess they suffer a lot of kitchen burns or sunburns. i will stick with a good SPF myself.

then we have the Zodiac Oil and the All Purpose Voodoo spray. the Zodiac Oil claims to be "Genuine" Zodiac Oil. not that generic crap you get at other grocery stores. nope, only the finest Zodiac Oil in these parts, my friends!!
the little pics on the bottle of All Purpose Voodoo Spray show that you can spray for things like peace, money and protection. my favorite one is the pic in the upper left hand corner.  it is for Dominating. and the pic is a woman giving some poor dude the death ray eyes. i guess it's like Voodoo Mace.

then my favorite. the Voodoo Perfumes. judging by the pics of the two to the left, it would seem that you wear this perfume and attract Fast Luck or Protection from Envy. makes sense, right? until you look closely at the Fast Luck perfume. the package has pics of cards, gifts and wedding rings. but look at the black and white pic in the background. a couple making out. so i guess you can also use this perfume to Get Lucky Fast. nice to know they have covered all the bases in one easy to use, magical, slutty product.

then we have the 2 on the right. Hummingbirds and Macaws. while i think hummingbirds following me everywhere a la Snow White would be annoying at best, i can say with 100% certainty that i don't want to wear a perfume that is going to cause macaws to swarm me! that's like Tippi Hedren's Tropical Nightmare! 

that day i scored some good deals on dog food and Budget Gourmet Dinners, but isn't everything just anti-climatic after a Holy Death candle?


  1. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!

    I have to agree with Stephanie...

  2. We have a dusty little icky voodoo store here and I saw my freaky neighbor there once. I've been very nice to him ever since, although I may ask you to pick up the voodoo mace just as a safeguard!

  3. Okay, I am offically freaked out by the bird candles. I would rather pray to the Holy Death Candle.

  4. June 23rd was St. John's Eve.
    Maybe you have some Voodoo people that moved into your area after Katrina.
    St. John-Baptist Day is just to pray for good luck. I have no idea what the death or bird candles were for.