Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Cougars on Parade!

i spent this last weekend in Phoenix with my friends, Vanessa and Sherri. that's where Vanessa lives. i flew in from LA and Sherri flew in from Northern CA. the whole weekend was delightful and someday i will figure out a way to make it so that we can all live together on one big commune and see each other every day. but they will be in charge of childcare and cooking. that way no one dies.

before we arrived, Vanessa had told us about this really great "cougar bar" she had recently stumbled across. it sounded spectacular! old ho bags trying to hook up with young douchenozzles? where do i get in line to mock these people??!! sign me up!

Saturday night rolled around and off we went and it was better than i could have ever hoped for. and yes, there will be pics, i promise. 

the minute we walked in, we got a table and planted our happy asses there for the night. i look to my left and what is the first thing i see? THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! THAT'S WHAT!!

look past Vanessa's arm and Sherri. yes, that is a cougar with a WALKER!!!

now, if you will notice, my gorgeous friends are always to the extreme right of these pics. that is because they love me and fully support my Ninja Photo Taking For the Blog. see, i pretend to take a pic of them, then move the camera 2 inches to the left and capture the image i am really after. that way, it looks totally innocent and i don't get beat up. always a plus.

and i am sorry the pics are not better quality. i am a total dumbass when it comes to figuring out how to work the damn flash.

at the table next to us was a very new couple. he was in his 20's and she was, well...older. let's just say she remembers watching Leave It To Beaver when it WASN'T in syndication. of course, we have a pic.

again, look past half of Vanessa. unfortunately, you can't see the cougar's face, but that's probably for the best. it wasn't pretty. but you can see her back fat! woot woot!

they started the night stroking each other's arms and looking meaningfully into each other's eyes. by the time we left she was MAULING him. when they started french kissing, Sherri exclaimed, "Oh my god, I just saw his tongue. I think I died a little inside."

we took to calling him Indiana Jones because he was convinced he had just discovered The Ancient Lost Treasure. Sherri was thisclose to going over and asking him, "Isn't it weird kissing your mom like that?" thankfully, she wasn't nearly drunk enough to do that.

the longer we sat there, the more we began to realize we were seeing the same things over and over. these people were total cliches of themselves. the old cougars and the young cougar bait boys all looked exactly alike. 

that's when we came up with Cougar Bingo and Cougar Bait Bingo. i have the game cards here for your own personal use should you ever find yourself at a cougar bar. the first person to get Bingo wins a free drink.

now, not all the cougs were lucky enough to hook up with young douchebags. some of them had to settle for age appropriate douchebags. we included both age groups in that bingo.

mark 'em as you spot 'em, people.

the head of security was walking the floor and he could tell we weren't skanks there to hook up. we were just having fun amongst ourselves. so he stopped to talk and he was a riot. then he spotted the pens and paper on the table we were using to invent Cougar Bingo.

he asked what we were writing so we showed him. and that's when he fell in love with us. for the rest of the night, he kept coming back to the table and asking to see the list so he could point out people who matched what we had written. "Over to the left? Camel toe."

he loved us so much he gave us VIP passes to the bar. we now get free drinks and don't have to wait in line there. Sa-Weet!

we knew it was time to leave when the music turned to techno and lights started flashing like they were trying to induce epileptic seizures in us. now, this wasn't your ordinary techno music. no, this was Cougar Friendly Techno Music. see, it was the techno beat overlaid with Bon Jovi and Journey songs. so the cougars could feel young and hip for knowing all the words, dontcha know. (i wish i was making this up. i really do.)

so we left.

now, while i do so obviously love to mock others, i have no problem mocking myself when the time is right. this is one of those times.

a little backstory to set the scene:
i have been sick for the better part of a month. i caught a nasty flu over Memorial Day weekend. the first 2 weeks were pure misery. these last 2 weeks have been more tolerable, but i still have a cough, a runny nose and watery eyes. because of all the coughing combined with my stomach not feeling really great, i have occasionally coughed so hard that i have thrown up. it happens. no biggie. it's actually more like a stomach spasm than anything.

so, we left the cougar bar and were outside walking back to the car. we were laughing so hard that my stomach rebelled. 

i felt it coming. 

walking along the sidewalk, i said to my friends, "I think I am going to puke." and then i tossed my hair back like Cher getting ready to sing "If I Could Turn Back Time" and let it rip. it lasted 2 seconds and then i was good to go. i barely even broke stride.

about 20 feet away was a gaggle of 15 year old girls outside a frozen yogurt store. while i was puking i knew they had spotted me because i could hear them "OH.MY.GAWD.!" in unison. 

as i walked passed them and their still horrified faces i said, "Don't drink." and kept walking. anything i can do to be a good influence on the young people, i always say.

now, let me clarify. this was NOT a drunk puke. the day i puke after 2 martinis is the day i voluntarily hand over my BevMo Club card. it was just a stomach spasm.

and as i had just drank a Cantaloupe flavored martini, that stomach spasm was technicolor orange. awe.some.

i can't wait to go back to Phoenix and i am sure they can't wait to have me back, either.


  1. "as i walked passed them and their still horrified faces i said, "Don't drink." and kept walking. anything i can do to be a good influence on the young people, i always say."

    You are my freakin hero. Seriously, I want to be just like you when I grow up. I laughed at this so hard I nearly peed!

  2. Cougar Bingo! My favorite was the walker photo, that's like Hailey's Comet, I'll never see that again!

  3. I seriously couldn't love the three of you more if I tried.

  4. I just laugh out loud every time I think about it. What a fun night! And it WAS neon orange!

  5. This is why I love you--the photo op thing--that's freakin' genius. The rest of the story is pretty great as well.

  6. I bow down to you for inventing Cougar Bingo. But you forgot to include a square for any time a Cougar shrieks out a "Woo!"

  7. OMG. It was the funniest night of my life. Our faces were hurting from lauging so hard. I can't wait to go back and play Bingo. I TOLD you it was fabulous!

  8. OMFG y'all are hilarious ("Don't drink" - MyPoolBoy actually looked up from his online poker to see what was so funny.)

  9. I love it!!! I can see y'all dieing laughing and look at you trying to help out the youth of our nation

  10. OMFG y'all are hilarious. I want to go to there!

  11. OMG I'm crying here. Kahuna and I went to the Jazz Festival in New Port Beach last night and I swear they had the seating arranged in Douch/Cougar section. Geezer/Golddigger section. Then they had the Box seats where it was a montage of bad toupe's and back fat. Oh and let's not forget the hair extension section just to stage right.